


I am TRASH for horatio

by Akitchenwenchforever



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Alas poor Yorick, Hoeratio
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:47:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26516197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akitchenwenchforever/pseuds/Akitchenwenchforever
Summary: Nighty night little murderer
Relationships: (kinda) - Relationship, Hamlet & Horatio
Comments: 1





	I am TRASH for horatio

It was a dark night at the spooky castle, and Hamlet was cold. Very cold. But he had been dragged out of bed by his curiosity. You see, his friend Horatio had told him this (kinda stupid) tale about his father being a ghost or something. Hamlet was not a very superstitious person, but this interested him. So that’s why he was walking through the castle this late. Horatio was bounding ahead of him like a golden retriever. He was a little too hyper. The light from Hamlet’s torch cast long chilling shadows on the stone walls. Hamlet followed Hoeratio out of the castle and to the walls. Two other people, Marcellus and Barnardo, stood there. They were sentries at the castle and had no personality other than being sentries.  
“Heyo, Horatio!” Marcellus said.  
“HI!” Horatio replied, with the enthusiasm of a child who’s just tried a caramel frappuccino for the first time. Hamlet stepped out from the shadows dramatically.  
“Good day, my lord.” Marcellus and Barnardo chorused.  
“Mmm.” Hamlet replied like the angsty teen he was.  
“Hamlet, are you ready to see the ghost?” Horatio said, eagerly.  
“Ugh, if you say so.” Hamlet replied glumly.  
“So we saw the ghost over there,” Marcellus said, gesturing to an area of no particular notability, “And then it sorta- what would you say, lads?”  
“Sorta walked over here and just looked at us.” Barnardo said.  
“I tried to talk to it, but it didn’t want to talk to me!” Horatio said excitably.  
“Well, why am I here?” Hamlet said.  
“Nooo, Hamlet, you don’t understand! The ghost was your dad!” Horatio said like a frantic squirrel.  
“Oh.” Hamlet replied. This whole thing was very stupid and he didn’t want to be here and it was cold and windy and Hamlet was very emo.  
The four bois settled down to wait. Hamlet decided to whine about how much he hated his uncle. Horatio was too hyper to sit, so he danced around badly. Marcellus and Barnardo had a conversation about sweets. Hamlet kept talking about his uncle, which was his only topic of conversation. This lulled Marcellus and Barnardo into a stupor. Suddenly, Barnardo sat up and pointed.  
“Oy! Over there!”  
There was a creepy white figure in the woods. It was wearing armour. I don’t want to describe it because i’m lazy, use your imagination for once uncreative snail.  
“See! See! Do you see!” Horatio yelled, dancing around uncontrollably.  
“Yeah, idiot, I’m not blind!” Hamlet retorted.  
“Don’t be a coward, Prince Hamlet, talk to it!” Marcellus said, shoving Hamlet forward with his sword.  
“Ow!” Hamlet muttered. Not wanting to get stabbed in the back again, he cautiously walked up to the ghost.  
“Um. Hi, I’m-”  
“I know who you are.” The ghost boomed. Horatio’s dancing switched from excited to nervous. Marcellus and Barnardo looked distressed.  
“Hamlet, I am your father.” The ghost said.  
“Wh-Isn’t the quote ‘Luke, I am your father’?” Hamlet asked.  
“Well, your name isn’t Luke, is it?” The ghost snapped. Horatio gasped.  
“I-” Hamlet stuttered, at a loss for words.  
“Anyways, young Hamlet, let me tell you a tale.” The ghost said.  
“Ok, go off.” Hamlet said. The ghost raised an eyebrow at this modern slang.  
“I will ‘go off’.” The ghost said. The four young men cringed at the ‘how do you do, fellow kids?’ vibes.  
“Hamlet,” The ghost said, “I am dead.”  
“Yeah, I know.” Hamlet said.  
“Stop interrupting!” The ghost barked. Marcellus and Barnardo quaked.  
“I am dead. And you may wonder how I died.” The ghost continued. “I was resting in a meadow in the woods here, just having a nice sleep. And you know who strutted on into that meadow? Your uncle!” The ghost proclaimed dramatically.  
“No! Ugh!” Hamlet said, with considerable disgust. Marcellus and Barnardo exchanged looks, as they were used to the hate on Hamlet’s uncle. Horatio was still hopping around.  
“Yes!” The ghost (Papa Hamlet) said. “ And he put poison in my ear!”  
Hamlet, Horatio, Marcellus, and Barnardo gasped at this sudden admission.  
“Oh my god, no!” Barnardo whispered.  
“Yes!” The ghost yelled triumphantly. “I was murdered by your uncle, Hamlet! And now I seek r e v e n g e!” The ghost said dramatically. Wow, this is all very dramatic, Hamlet thought, maybe this should become a play.  
“Revenge! How exciting!” Horatio said, breathlessly.  
“Shut up, Horatio!” Hamlet said. He was tired of Horatio’s excited-ness (is that a word?) and just wanted everyone else to share his depressing demeanor. Horatio stopped dancing and retreated back.  
“What should I do, Pops?” Hamlet asked.  
“Well, you dumbass, you gotta kill him! Revenge!”  
“Oh.” Hamlet said.  
“Good Prince Hamlet- And no disrespect, uh- King Pappy Hamlet- but I don’t think this is the best idea.” Barnardo said.  
The ghost (or “King Pappy Hamlet” if you so desire) turned threateningly to Barnardo. Barnardo regretted everything suddenly.  
“You dare disrespect me!!!????” The ghost screeched.  
“No-no, I’m sorry- I-It-” Barnardo stuttered.  
“Daddy!” Hamlet yelled.  
“What?” The ghost said.  
“Stop trying to intimidate my friends.” Hamlet said. Marcellus thought that calling them his ‘friends’ was a little too fast, but it was fine.  
“I can’t have any fun?” The ghost asked.  
“No!” Hamlet said.  
“Ugh, ok. You all are lame.” The ghost said. Horatio was extremely insulted by this. When he was younger, a bully had called him ‘lame’ and then thrown him into a ditch. As such, this word was extremely depressing.  
“Anyways. You do in fact have to kill Claudius.”  
“Well, you don’t have to tell me twice.” Hamlet said. He did in fact have to be told twice, but inaccuracies sometimes make life more interesting.  
“Good” The ghost said, and then left abruptly. It was quiet, except for the sniffling of Horatio, who was apparently crying now.  
“Shut up Horatio!” Hamlet screamed.  
“Jesus, Prince Hamlet, you don’t have to be so mean!” Marcellus said, with verve.

**Author's Note:**

> O I am slain


End file.
